Arctic Fire Page 10

  It started off with him taking, but quickly became the both of them taking what they needed. Something in the back of his mind pulled him back and with a groan he pulled away, walking a few feet away from her so that he could get himself under control again.

  “What game are you playing, Roz?” he asked in a voice raspy and angry with unspent desire.

  “Game? I’m not playing any game,” she replied softly.

  He whirled to her incredulity on his face. “Are you fucking shitting me? You always play games and it always seems to be at my expense.”

  Her shoulders tightened as her chin jutted out, fury etched on her beautiful face. Even now with her looking at him with fire in her eyes she was stunning. “How dare you fucking accuse me of playing games. I told you I didn’t want you, and you pushed and pushed until I gave in. That’s the problem with you, K, you push and push, trying to force me into some happy little relationship that I don’t want.”

  He felt like he had been winded as pain left an enormous hole where his heart should be. He stepped back, his hands came up and then dropped to his sides, helplessness filling him. She moved to step closer, but he held his hand up to stop her, the cold, deadness that he was feeling must have shown in his eyes because she stopped.

  “I’m sorry, K. I wish I could be the woman you need me to be, the woman you want but I’m not and I never will be.” Her voice had softened and that hurt more than anything.

  He couldn’t look at her anymore as he walked past her to the door, every step taking him further and further away from the woman he loved and closer to the darkness that called to him. “You know what, Roz,” he said as he stopped at the door. “You’re right, I do push. I fight for something if I think it’s worth it and I thought you were. I was wrong. You’re not the woman I thought you were. The woman I fell in love with was a fighter, but you, you’re a quitter. Every time it gets real or scary you run and hide like a coward.” With that he walked away from her, vowing never to chase her again, it didn’t matter that her body wanted him, he needed her mind and soul too and he wasn’t sure she had that to give.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Kanan had barely looked at her since their fight this morning, his words hurt more than she cared to admit. If she was honest he hadn’t pushed, he never had, but lashing out was her go-to response when she felt cornered or frightened. And her feelings for him fucking terrified her. As she sat in the front of the van beside Daniel as they drove to the airfield Zack had set up to get the girls to the UK, she wondered if she’d made a mistake. A horrible feeling of doubt was beginning to creep in, a feeling that she was running out of time.

  Her eyes remained in the mirror above her head, shadows under her eyes and a gauntness to her cheeks made her sigh and shove the mirror up. She felt Daniel look at her and ignored him, she was so tired, her limbs felt heavy with fatigue, but stubbornness kept her going. “Has Zack hired someone to look after the girls?”

  “He spoke to a contact on the Police Force who will arrange it with social services.”

  Roz hated the idea of these girls being pushed towards more strangers, but she recognised she couldn’t do anything about it. “What about Katarina and Natalia?”

  Daniel glanced at her, a question in his eyes. “What about them?”

  “They can’t go to just anyone. They need specialist care. Natalia’s gift is so dangerous, she needs understanding and maybe someone who understands that she is different and can help her with it.”

  “I’ll speak to Zack and see if he can suggest something.”

  “Thanks,” she replied as she checked behind them to make sure that K and Zin were following. Her fingers touched her mouth where he had kissed her earlier, she could still feel it. It had been filled with anger and passion and she knew she deserved every bit of his anger. It was wrong to sleep with K knowing how he felt about her.

  She wasn’t sure she could have stopped herself though, she who prided herself on her control, always seemed to lose it around him. He brought out the worst and the best in her—he knew her every weakness and vulnerability, it terrified her to bear her soul to him, but being around K was like that. He saw her, not the terrifying assassin, or the leader of Zenobi. He saw the woman, the frightened girl and she hated him for it.

  Being around him made her itch to run, even as she clung to him and what he offered. If she allowed herself to let go and open up fully, she might shatter from the pain of her past. Burying it and holding herself apart was the best way, but around Kanan, her shell was starting to crack. She had hurt him, but it was the only way.

  The vehicle rolled to a stop at the edge of the abandoned airfield. Daylight was starting to wane already, a drizzle misting the air. A light aircraft that could hold the girls was coming in to land as she shielded her eyes to look at it. Eidolon had agreed to escort the girls, along with Zin, Mustique, Drew, and Megan to safety. Zack arranged for Jace and Dane to meet them at the other end. He planned to also, but Ava had fainted while they were in the middle of the Skype call and he wanted to stay with her.

  Roz had sent a text to Lucy to find out what was happening and had been told that Ava had just fainted but was fine now. Lucy was also fine after dealing with a few days of sickness. Roz hated being sick and was glad to be away from them all, she had no intention of catching whatever they had.

  Roz alighted the vehicle and pulled her jacket tighter around her, flicking her collar up to cover her neck. She and Daniel walked towards the aircraft, constantly checking their surroundings, looking for a threat. She felt certain they were safe though, her instincts were good, and she had no feeling of being watched or set up. Rykov had been true to his word and they had been safe at the Penthouse but that didn’t mean they shouldn’t be vigilant. In fact, in her experience, this was normally when operations went to shit, just towards the end.

  Alex stepped away from the now stationary aircraft, his cocky, sexy womaniser good looks perfect as always. He looked different though, she hadn’t seen him since the stadium bombing and she was surprised to see him look so serious. Normally he had a smirk plastered on his face, but it was nowhere to be seen.

  “Alex,” Daniel said as he thrust out his hand for Alex.

  “Good to see you, Daniel,” he said as he then turned to Roz. “Roz,” he acknowledged. “I’m very sorry about Angel,”

  She nodded as a ball of pain lodged in her chest at hearing Angel’s name. “Thank you,” she replied shortly not wanting to talk about Angel. “Let’s get these kids on board. We’re too exposed out here. I don’t like it.”

  Alex and Daniel started towards the vehicles as Kanan, Zin, Mustique, Megan, Will, and Drew helped the kids out and moved them quickly towards the aircraft.

  Roz helped the kids on board while Mustique secured them in their seats. She didn’t look at Kanan as he came to stand a few feet from her. They had been studiously ignoring each other since that morning. Zin was having a discussion with Drew a little further away and it was getting heated. She watched as Drew whirled away and strode angrily to Daniel.

  “You're sending me home?” he asked his face red with anger.

  Daniel looked calm as he faced him, his hands hanging loosely at his sides, it was only the rigidity of his jaw that betrayed his anger. “I warned you, I don’t do wildcards and that’s what you are. You are going home to hopefully sort your shit out.”

  “This is bullshit,” Drew spat as he faced up to Daniel. He had a few inches on Daniels six-foot-one inch and about thirty pounds of muscle but Roz knew that Daniel could put him down like a rabid dog if he so chose.

  “Is that so?” Daniel said with a cool calmness that should have warned Drew.

  “Yeah it is. You’re so full of shit acting like you’re the nice one, everyone’s friend but you're just as full of shit as the rest.” Drew pushed Daniel and Roz knew that Drew was looking for a fight.

  Daniel didn’t move from the shove, he glared at Drew with a look that should have warned the younger
man, and if that didn’t the fact that the others were closing in around him should have. “Get on the fucking plane,” he snarled, as he pointed towards the aircraft that was now waiting to take off.

  “Fuck you!” Drew never finished his ill-advised sentence, because without missing a beat Daniel threw a punch that knocked him out. It happened so fast that Drew didn’t see it coming. Drew would have hit the deck if Zin hadn’t bent at the waist and caught Drew in a fireman’s lift.

  Roz watched her brother walk up the steps of the aircraft with a smirk. Drew was going to be a royal bitch when he came around. Megan came to the open door of the aircraft and cast a longing look at Daniel who had barely acknowledged her since that morning. She turned to leave and was walking through the door when Natalia came running down the steps pushing past her, almost knocking her over. Katarina was close behind, trying to grab the child’s arm. Slipping past Roz, Natalia threw herself at Kanan as he crouched to her.

  Roz felt her tough exterior melt a little as the child wrapped her arms around him.

  “Please don’t send us away,” she begged as Kanan held her tightly to him, stroking her head. Natalia’s voice wobbled, she sounded every inch the scared little girl. Roz moved closer, putting her hand on Katarina’s shoulder. The girl flinched but then relaxed when she saw who had touched her.

  Kanan pulled away, looking into the child’s tear-filled eyes. “Natalia, I promise you the people we are getting to look after you are good people. They will look after you and I will come to see you as soon as I return. I need to make sure the people who hurt you can’t do it again first though, okay?”

  Her little head nodded as she looked at him with total adoration.

  He stood then and patted her shoulder. “Now go with Megan, she and the others will look after you. When you get to the UK tell my friend Noah I asked him to watch out for you.” He walked her to the plane and Roz followed behind with Katarina.

  “Do you promise to come back?” Natalia asked.

  Roz felt like her heart would shatter at the tender look he gave the child, she swallowed down the lump in her throat. Kanan put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a worn chess piece. Her breath hitched when she recognised it. It was a Black King his grandfather had given him. He’d told her the story about the chess piece years ago. His grandmother had the set made for her husband’s birthday. They died many years later in a house fire. His grandfather died trying to save his wife.

  Kanan had been heartbroken and the only piece of the set that didn’t burn was the Black King. Kanan told her it was because the King always protected the Queen and that’s what his grandfather had done. He carried it with him everywhere, she had completely forgotten about until now. The significance of him giving it to the child was not lost on her.

  “I want you to look after this until I come back. It was my grandfathers. I always felt like I had a piece of him with me when I had it, so now you can do the same.”

  The child took it and turned it over, looking at it with big eyes. “Won’t you be sad without it?”

  “No, because I know you will be looking after it for me. Now go with Megan.” Kanan pushed her towards the aircraft gently. Katarina passed K and then stopped suddenly and turned. She hugged him quickly and then followed her sister.

  Kanan walked past her without a word, the need to reach out to him almost overwhelmed her. But as she raised her hand, she dropped it again. What was the point?

  Chapter Eighteen

  She had been quiet, lost in her thoughts as they drove back to the safe house Rykov was loaning them. K giving Natalia his chess piece bothered her for some reason and she couldn’t make out why. Why would he part with something so precious to him for a child he hardly knew?

  The Penthouse boasted a huge gym and pool, so while they waited for confirmation from Will about Usov’s movements and the safe arrival of the kids in the UK she figured she would make use of them.

  Grabbing her work out clothes and the brand-new swimsuit which she found in the drawer, she made her way to the gym. Opening the door, she spied Daniel working out on the bench. Ignoring him she set up on the treadmill, determined to run some of this unspent energy away. Roz much preferred to run outside, she liked to feel the air on her skin and hear the sounds of the world, too many years as a prisoner made her crave the freedom of the outdoors, but this was better than nothing. After fifteen minutes warming up her muscles on the treadmill, Roz got off and took a drink of cool water as she walked to the weights machine.

  Sitting down she set the weight and started working her shoulders. Roz was not powerfully built so she needed to make sure she was strong and agile, so she wouldn’t be overpowered in a fight. Talia had taught her well. Roz knew more ways to kill someone than she did foods that she could cook.

  Talia had been her saving grace, she had given Roz all the tools she needed to survive, but was surviving enough? Damn Kanan for making her want more, for making her doubt her life.

  “You and Kanan still fighting?” Daniel asked.

  Roz dropped the weight at his words. She and Daniel didn’t know each other that well, had certainly never had a conversation about anything personal. “Yes, are you and Megan still fucking?” she asked audaciously.

  His jaw clenched, he got up and started to walk away, without answering. She instantly felt bad, which in itself felt odd to her. She could normally be a bitch without any feelings at all. “I’m sorry,” she called to his back.

  Daniel stopped and turned, before striding back to her. “I was weak and stupid. It won’t happen again,” he said with determination in his dark eyes.

  “He wants something I can’t give him. Consequently, we fought about it. I said some things, he said some things. Now we are avoiding each other.”

  Daniel sat down beside her on the floor, he wiped his face with a gym towel, before taking a drink. Propping his elbows on his bent knees, he regarded her. “What does he want?”

  “Everything,” she said on an exhale. “How can I give him that when I don’t have it to give?”

  Daniel nodded as if he understood and then stopped, tilting his head. “No, I don’t understand, it seems to me he wants you to trust him, to love him and from what I can see you do. So, what’s the problem?”

  Roz sighed in frustration. “I guess I do trust him and I love him as much as someone like me can love.”

  “Hang on, what does that even mean? Someone like you.”

  “Someone who is broken, who leads the life I do. I can’t give him everything. I need to keep something back for me.”

  “Why though?”

  Roz pierced him with a glare that would have terrified one of her girls and he just raised an eyebrow. It made her laugh out loud. “You’re a real badass, aren’t you?” she said as she wiped the tears that sprung up there. This is weird. Why am I crying? Emotions weren’t her thing, it wasn’t like she didn’t have them, she just never showed them.

  “I wouldn’t say that, but not much scares me anymore. When one of the worst things in life happens to you there is not much left to be frightened of.” His face was a mask, devoid of emotion as he said the words, but his voice betrayed him. That was the thing that terrified her the most and why she continued to hold herself back from K and everyone else. If she gave them that last piece, then what would happen to her if she lost them? The thought of Kanan not being around or being hurt or killed ripped her to shreds. Her gut twisted, and she felt sick and shaky.

  “Was it worth it? Loving her I mean. Was it worth the risk of loving her?”

  His answer seemed like the most important thing in the world right now.

  “Yes, I wouldn’t change loving her. Claire was my first love and the mother of my child. Even knowing how it ended I wouldn’t go back and change it. Without her, I wouldn’t have Paige and we wouldn’t have shared so many years of happiness.” He got up and started to walk towards the showers.

  “What if I’m not brave enough?” she asked her voice trembling
slightly.

  Daniel stopped and turned a sad smile on his face. “Then you lose either way.”

  He left then, and she was on her own with his words going around and around in her head. Was she losing anyway by holding back? Was what she was already feeling as bad as what she would feel if she lost him? It kept coming back to the same thing though, the fear was too great. She wished with all her might that she could be as brave and strong as everyone saw her as, but the truth was she was a scared little girl. Too terrified by what if to reach out and grab what she wanted now.

  Looking at her watch she realised that she had been at it for the last hour, and her workout hadn’t amounted to much. Maybe some laps in the pool would help.

  She moved through the changing rooms and changed into the barely-there red bikini. It didn’t bother her—her body was a tool and she’d spent years coming to love it for what it could do for her instead of hating it for what it represented. She wrapped a strip of waterproof bandage over her stitches, ignoring the itching.

  Walking into the pool area she saw Kanan doing laps, and she stopped to watch the muscles in his shoulders and back as they moved. Her body responded as it always did around him—her nipples tightened betraying her. He hadn’t seen her, so she took the time to enjoy him without his knowledge.

  Kanan was muscular, strong, and defined. Every ridge and sinew were visible on his body, not an ounce of fat to be seen. His skin was tanned from time spent in the sun, and a light dusting of dark hair covered his chest, giving him the feel of a real man. She had always hated the smooth chest that some men favoured. To her, a man should have some chest hair.

  He was her every fantasy come to life both physically and mentally. Kanan was a beautiful specimen but it was more than that, he challenged her on things but never belittled or dismissed her feeling or thoughts. He was also very funny, his dry sense of humour often catching her off guard. But the most important and yet the most terrifying was he made her feel things she had never felt—safe, cherished, special.